How important is fashion to me? Very, very important. Because it makes ME smile.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a shallow gal and, some days, I wear my workout clothes all day; on those days, I give myself the gift of a good “sweat sesh,” and I treasure every minute of my workout. As a consequence, I don’t make it to the shower until night. That “post-workout look” is not my favorite look and, while I sometimes feel like I fell short, I know it’s okay.

To me, looking good is a gift to myself, I don’t do it for others, I do it for the woman I see in the mirror because I deserve to smile when I catch my own reflection.

Since a very early age I realized I only had energy for one thing or the other: to feel bad or to look bad. I definitely can’t do both. It drains way too much energy.

If I feel terrible, the worst thing that can happen to me is to look at the mirror and see a tired face. When I feel the worst is when I make the biggest effort to look good. So even in my early days of motherhood, I managed to wear a pretty day dress and rocked a blowout. That was the way of telling myself “I am more than a tired mom; I deserve to look pretty”.

I have red hair, so I have always taken advantage of it and an amazing haircut and blowout was my signature. My little sister, Gabby, who is a fashionista has a passion for dresses hence I like dresses too. Pretty dress + blowout= happiness. Tired and all, but my glass was full.

When I was 12 weeks pregnant with my 4th child, I noticed I had a bald spot. Later the dermatologist confirmed I had Alopecia.

Diagnosis: Alopecia Areata. Autoimmune disease. My own body was killing my hair follicles.
Cause: Unknown.
Severity of my case: Unknown, only time would say.
Cure: None.

As you can imagine, being 31 years old, 4 months pregnant and going bald was not part of the plan. What was I going to do to look pretty and feel confident? Was my hair ever going to grow back? Am I going to lose my eyebrows too? So many questions. I remember I was grateful I wasn’t losing my hair due to chemo, that was clear, it could have been worse. I was grateful, but I was worried too.

Thank God I have Gabby in my life, having a sister has always been a blessing, but having a talented empathic sister came very handy in that particular moment of my life. Gabby engineered a hair piece that I ended up wearing for several months, it was light and comfortable, it didn’t feel like a sauna under the Texan sun. Regular wigs were not for me, too itchy and too hot.

The situation was getting worse and worse, I was getting balder and bigger every day. Far from my ideal of beauty and strength. I was deeply sad, I was crumbling.

At some point I realized I couldn’t stay where I was emotionally, I had to change my attitude and my mindset. I know it might sound very shallow, but fashion starts playing a big role in my life at this point. I had no hair but that wasn’t going to stop me. I had to get strength out of nowhere, and the right outfit could do the trick to make me feel powerful and confident again.

It took 27 weeks to go 95% bald. That’s how severe it was. It went from Alopecia Areata to Alopecia Totalis very fast.

2 weeks or so before the baby was born, my husband shaved my head, there was no point in keeping the 5% hair I had left. That felt good, empowering. Deciding not to care about my hair anymore was freeing. My husband made me laugh that day. Thank God for good husbands too!

I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl we called Isabel; she is truly perfect.

As weeks went by, I started growing some super fine hair, not much, very blonde, almost white. After many months it turned red again. At this point I didn’t have a big pregnant belly; I felt the empowering force of fashion could get me out of that dark place of deep sadness. I might be bald but that didn’t mean I couldn’t rock a beautiful summer dress and a scarf tied to my head. Then is when the healing journey began. I focused a little more on myself and gave myself permission to think a little more on what I needed to feel confident. We all know if mom is not ok, nobody around will be ok. You cannot give what you don’t have. I couldn’t give love and sweet words if I couldn’t give that to myself. A beautiful dress made me feel like a million bucks. A beautiful scarf made me feel sophisticated, even if I had to deal with 4 kids ages 5 and under.